This all began after I plunged into a deep depression after realizing an incident that haunts me every day turned out to be completely my fault in the first place. I lost someone who was very important to me because of my stupidity and cowardice. I simply couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth nor could I see the answers that were right in front of me. I had finally hit the and realized I needed to pick myself up and learn to move on. Even if I couldn’t move on, at the very least come to terms with what happened. He wouldn’t want me to continue to live this way.
I began to do everything in my power to hate myself a little less. I began eating healthier, quit drinking soda, I cut my hair, and began to do things I once enjoyed doing again. I thought by doing these things, I could get a fresh start. I could get a new outlook on life, but when push comes to shove, nothing I tried worked. Nothing. I still continued to hate myself for being the cause of someone’s suffering. I eventually decided I needed to take a trip to all the places we spent our time together.
As I took my trip down memory lane, I came to the realization that the indescribable pain I was in was only getting worse. I drove past the house that I had spent so many nights sitting in front of singing songs. I went to the place where we had met for the first time and told the story of that fateful day. I went to the park that we would take our girls to all the time. I relived all those moments to try to get a grip. No matter what I tried, it all pointed back to the truth. It all pointed back to the fact he was gone and it was completely my fault. I had promised to help him when he needed it and yet I didn’t keep my promise. The more I tried to keep the memories, the more I learned. The truth of the matter is all the red flags were there and I missed EVERY SINGLE ONE.
My final attempt to understand became to simply write a letter that will never be sent. Writing letters had always been my way of conveying the feelings I just couldn’t speak out loud. I needed a place to put every last one of those memories and feelings. I needed a safe place. As I began writing to that person I realized there were people who I could still take the time to try and set things right with. There were people who I had hurt without even thinking twice. Those people whether or not they remember the things I did to them or whether or not they forgive me, that doesn’t matter anymore. I want to do my best to become a better person and with that I needed to apologize to those who I had hurt for my own personal gain.
I sat down and began writing to someone whom I hadn’t had contact with in probably ten years. This person had always supported me from the sidelines as long as I could remember. I took them for granted at every twist and turn in my life. I allowed them to be around when it was convenient for me and pushed them aside when it was not. Still this person, without any complaint, followed me around like lost puppy and cleaned up my messes whenever necessary. He had been there for me no matter the circumstance. He was there for me when I was sad or lonely. He was also there when I was down right a disappointment. He had been there through every one of my break ups no matter what he had to endure just to smile and tell me everything was alright.
As I started writing to this person, my pen wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to wrap up my thoughts. In my letter, I told him the story of the important person I lost and that was what prompted me to write the letters in the first place. I explained everything from the beginning. I told him about the relationship I had with my late friend.
My pen, with a mind of its own, made me realize something very important. In my letter it said,
“There was a time when I truly wanted to be with someone…I gave that person everything I possibly could. My heart. My soul. My faith. My trust. We began dating and were happy. If only for a while. Soon things began to change. He became very secretive and started pulling away. Before long, he quit sharing thing with me and would stand me up. Still I put forth my best effort. Let’s just say I was wrapped around his finger. He would say “jump” and I would ask “how high”.
Then I proceeded to ask this person if the situation sounded familiar. It took me writing all that down to realize, everything I had been put through with my late friend were the same things I did to the person the letter was addressed to. I owe this person so much more than an apology.
I have ultimately learned I can not run from the truth. What happened with my late friend was essentially my fault. I could have done something and didn’t. I could have been a better friend. I could have caught the signs the first time. I could have drove to his house and kept him company until he was ready to stand back up again. There was so much more I should have done. Now, I can’t do those things. The only thing I can do is try to make things right with the people that are here. I can make a better life for myself and be a better person. With all these letters, that is exactly what I intend to do.
It will be a long journey, and I know that letters will not fix everything I have done. However, it is the only thing I can do for some people who I had taken advantage of in my life. I have every intention of giving it my all and doing what I can to make things right.
Although I am sure he will never see this, there is one thing I must say. Thank you. I must thank you for being my guardian angel and best friend throughout high school. Without you, I never would have made it this far in life. You picked me up and carried me out of the darkness I had created myself. Although it is ten years late, from the bottom of my heart thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I am so glad I had the chance to know such an amazing and strong person such as you in my lifetime. I will not take the kindness you showed me for granted anymore and I will keep it as a reminder of the kind of person I strive to be.