The Reason…

Before I even start telling my story for today, be warned that this is going to get very dark and triggering for those who are sensitive to talk about death and suicide. This is 100% a true story and honestly my biggest bottled up emotion inside myself. With that being said, it is the story of how I came to start writing.

As I have previously mentioned in past posts, this is a story that I had ever intention of telling when the time came. I think that time is now. It has been three years now, and I think I can at least talk a little about it. It is the story of an ex-boyfriend turned best friend. This could get rather lengthy as I have to tell you about the past in order to tell you about the present.

When I was in high school, roughly 16 years old, I had a couple friends who wanted me to give them a ride to go hang out with some friends from a different town, and as I was the only one with a car, it was obvious why they asked me to tag along. One of my friends told me she wanted me to meet someone saying that we would really like each other and I should give him a shot. If you don’t know me, I was a rather shy person, who didn’t like to meet new people. I also was also the one who never did anything to get into trouble. I focused on my studies and my dancing. That was really all I needed to get through high school. Anyway, when we got to our destination, being the shy person I am I just sat by the tree and watched everyone skate and observed the scene around me. I found myself watching all these boys on their skateboards. Truth of the matter, I was not impressed by any of these boys. They were your typical bad boys, and most of what came out of their mouths were not the nicest things. I found myself watching and listening to one boy in particular, as the things out of his mouth were so annoying. He was showing off, and bragging about things he was doing with different girls, etc. I just wanted to go home, as this was not a place for me, and to be honest, they were annoying and I didn’t want any part of this scene anymore.

When my friends were done skating, we finally met the people we were there to meet. You would never imagine the person I was there to meet! It was the cocky boy I had been watching all day with disbelief. Out of the kindness of my heart (I’d like to think), I stayed for my friends and I just talked to him for the sake of being nice. I was not impressed and had no need for someone like that in my life.

After that night, my friends and I would start going more frequently to the skate park. One of my friends was dating a guy there, and I was her ride. I would go and just watch just to be supportive of my friends. Then finally one night, my friend wanted me to stay with her and her boyfriend. I, of course agreed. I asked her if there was going to be anyone else and she told me it was just going to be the four of us. My two friends, her boyfriend, and myself. Well, we get to the house and behold, who is standing there but the boy that I was supposed to give a chance. I felt trapped. The friend with the boyfriend left me and my other friend to go have some alone time with her boyfriend, which was fine, until the boy started verbally attacking my friend. She decided to leave as she couldn’t stand handle his words. There I was left alone with him. I couldn’t deal with him either, so I went outside on the balcony where he followed me. He asked me why I didn’t like him (as if that was obvious). It was then I proceeded to rip him a new one for being such a terrible person. I mean how can you say such terrible things to a person you don’t even know. I told him how it was. I said I couldn’t stand people like him who only tore down others and treated everyone like garbage. It was like he was shocked to hear these things. He went back inside and that was that.

After a few more chance meetings (I think, he might have planned it who knows), I started to feel a little different. He began to open up more and talk about other things. He also started to chill out a little on the insults. It was nice. I was finally getting to know this person.

Eventually, we started dating. It didn’t last long though. I wasn’t his type. I was too dark (I was your stereotypical emo kid). He was more into the cheerleaders and girls like that. Which I was on the dance team at my school. Which isn’t far off from a cheerleader, I was convinced that it was just because I didn’t fit his friends. Well a couple years later, when we would start talking again, I would find this to be the truth. His friends just didn’t accept me. You know how high school is.

Anyways, after we broke up, I had a rough time. He had meant the world to me, and I was just thrown aside. He would avoid me at all costs. If I was at the park, and he showed up, he would leave. I eventually quit going, and after high school, he moved. I was always thinking about him and how he was doing. How I wished things had been different.

Well, one weekend my friend and I went back to the park. There he was. He was in town visiting. I couldn’t show up. I had a panic attack in the car. My friend yelled out the window at him. He just waved. I don’t think he knew who it was. It had been two years since we spoke, and I was different.

Well, I ended up sending him a message on Facebook, and apologized for my friend yelling at him at the park. He said, “Oh, that was you guys.” Yeah. He told me we should meet up and hang out. My heart jumped out of my chest. Of course, I went. He didn’t show up. He stood me up multiple times coming up with excuses. Until one day, he did show up. We just talked. That was when I learned why we broke up. He told me he moved with his sister and he was doing well. After that encounter, we never quit talking. He was officially my friend. I had decided that even though he would never love me, it was worth the pain to keep him as a friend.

It didn’t stay that way for long. He text me one morning on my way to college. He asked me if we could give it another shot. Of course I said yes. That was when everything would change. We dated for 2 years. We would a lot of things together. I didn’t spend every day with him, but the nights that we spent together, we drove around and talked about everything. Just sitting in the car, talking about life. Our daughters. A lot of times, he would call me saying he needed out of the house. Of course, I was right there. That half hour drive was always worth it, even in the middle of the night.

Well, I don’t even know what happened to cause it. We broke up after two years. We always had our problems, but we kept finding our way back to each other. He had his demons. I had mine. It was never easy. Eventually, I decided I couldn’t do the back and forth anymore and that I deserved better. I couldn’t let someone with those demons bring me down. It would prove to be the biggest mistake.

We would still hang out and visit each other, but we decided we couldn’t do it to each other anymore. We could only stay friends. So, after about a year, I had moved on from the idea of spending my life with him. I ended up pregnant with my oldest son. When that relationship did work out. I had turned to the only friend that would understand what I was going through. The truth came out. He told me about all the things that he was doing that he wanted to stop, and he wanted to take care of me, my daughter, and my son. He wanted a family. I thought for sure he was just joking and didn’t think anything of it. Another mistake on my part. He continued trying.

Finally, by 2016, we were best friends, and everything was normal. He would tell me, about his troubles, and I would tell him mine. He was telling me that he was going to propose to his girlfriend, while it broke my heart in some way, I knew the path I had chosen and he deserved his happiness. Needless to say, it didn’t go as planned, and he spiraled into a deep depression.

This is where things get difficult. After he told me, I checked on him every single day to see how he was doing. He would claim to be fine. He would be lying. Until one day, he started acting strange. He asked me if he could send me money. He said he had a lot, and didn’t need it. He wanted me to get my daughter something nice. Then he was telling me that he loved me. I was a good person and that is why he loved me. I didn’t see ANY of the signs until it was too late. He was reaching out to me, and I didn’t see it. He needed help. I didn’t see it. I should have made that 6 hour drive back home to pick him up, to be there for him. I wasn’t.

On September 20th, 2016. I saw the news on Facebook. He had taken his own life. After he had promised that he would never leave his daughter alone like that, that’s what happened. He couldn’t face his demons head on, and he lost the fight. I feel responsible for that. He reached out. I didn’t see the signs. I didn’t realize what he was saying between the lines. He was just gone. My best friend. The boy that had meant the world to me.

I began to spiral out of control with the guilty conscious of not doing what I could have and should have done. I also had a lot of demons in my life right around that same time. Everything piled on too fast. I couldn’t cope. I started going down that same dark path. I couldn’t see the light. I started self harming, and started thinking of all the ways that I could just cease to exist as well. I felt like the world was closing in around me, and I just didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

After trying everything to make myself better, I realized I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t be alone. I had to be with someone constantly. When I was left alone, that is when it really started eating at me. I started getting back into the things I loved, as a distraction. It works on occasion, but I still find myself in that darkness quite often. I find myself crying all the time.

After 3 years, I am starting to cope. I think. I don’t think about suicide. I do still cry uncontrollable, especially around this time of year. September is the worst for me. Like I said, I found distractions. That is how i found writing. I wanted to be able to share my experiences and stories. I wanted to be able to write about it, so that others know that they are not alone. Maybe I can help someone. I don’t know. I guess it is a coping method.

As my final thought, to those who need help, please reach out. There are people who love you and want you in their lives. As for those who have been the person reached out to, if you think something is off. Don’t ignore your gut feeling. It is usually right. Don’t miss the signs like i did.

Sorry for such a dark post today. This was the one story I had to tell. This was what made me start this page in the first place. I just have been putting it off because it is something I don’t like talking about. It is something that I have been told to keep to myself because the feelings I have for this person will hurt the people I have in my life now. I can’t hold it in forever. I’m to my breaking point. So, for those who read this all to real and close to home story, thank you. Maybe I can start healing. Maybe not. But, I will see you all in the next post. More than likely a much lighter topic.